It’s time for the MLB edition of “What Would You Like For Christmas” where I take a look at what Saint Nick will be asked to bring people around the league for Christmas. Fingers crossed they get what they want!
Cleveland Indians-LeBron To Play Baseball
The Cleveland Indians have gotten a bit envious of their basketball brother for having such a generational talent on their team who helped lead the Cavaliers to the city’s first championship in sports since 1964. After having two straight years of great teams yet coming up short in the playoffs both times, I’m sure the Indians will be wishing for LeBron to head next door to Progressive field and help the Indians secure a World Series title in 2018.
Seattle Mariners-A Playoff Berth
It’s been 16 years since the Seattle Mariners have made the playoffs and a lot’s happened since that Mariners team tied the record for most wins in the regular season, but nothing good in the eyes of the Mariners. They’ve come close, sure, but close means nothing in sports. Each and everybody wants to win, not sit around being soggy while the rest of the league has fun in the playoffs. The Mariners got great talent and sure don’t want to waste it, so it might be wise for them to institute the help of Santa to get the job done.
San Francisco Giants-That Voodoo Lady Who Granted Them Their Even Year Power
I don’t know what the Giants did to piss her off in the first place, but they need her back desperately. She was the heart and soul of those Giants teams from 2010 to 2014, bringing the Giants their first three championships since moving to San Francisco. Since then, it’s been nothing but bad luck and poor performance. I’m sure if they could just sit her down in a room and apologize they could get her back, but the real problem lies in finding her. However no one is as good at tracking down old friends and lovers like Santa Claus. If the Giants ask, they will receive. And who knows, maybe Voodoo Lady will bring some power to Tim Lincecum and kickstart his comeback as well.
Baltimore Orioles-A Starting Rotation That Doesn’t Collapse Easier Than A House of Cards in a Hurricane
For the past few years the Baltimore Orioles have had nothing but bad luck when it came to starting pitching. Whether it be the collapse of Ubaldo Jimenez, the underperformance of Kevin Gausman, or giving up on a guy named Jake Arrieta. Year in and year out the Orioles have suffered on the diamond due to their starting pitching woes. Their offense has been there, with the help of guys like Machado, Jones, and Davis, but they were never able to win ball games when their pitchers would give up dinger after dinger like it was batting practice. Let’s just hope Santa’s got some golden pitching prospects in that bag of his.
Rob Manfred-A sub-one hour game
Rob Manfred has been actively trying to change the game of baseball into a quicker, more action-packed game to get the younger generation more interested (stupid, but let’s not talk about that here). Perhaps it’s time he enlists the help of Jolly Old Saint Nick to get the job done. I mean the man can speed around the world delivering toys to children in one night. I’m sure he could give some pointers on how to speed the game up a bit. Idealistically, Manfred is probably looking to make baseball look like MLB The Show where each game takes a half an hour to play or better yet, just simulate the entire season so it only takes a minute! Won’t that just be great Robby?!!? A minute long season?!!? Won’t that be fun?!!?
Manny Machado-To Go to the Yankees Already
Machado’s name has been thrown around on the trade block the past couple years, including in a more heightened manner this offseason, but nothing has ever come to fruition. Reasons vary from the Orioles hoping he sticks around to there not being a good enough deal for the star 3rd baseman, but one reason has always been lurking in the shadows and that has been the inevitability he goes to the Yankees. Yankee fans for years have had wet dreams about Machado in pinstripes and the closer and closer we get to Machado’s free agency after the 2018 season, the more it makes sense. The Yankees have been freeing up more and more money each year, they just traded their third baseman, Chase Headley, back to the Padres, and most importantly, the Orioles have openly said that they do not want to deal with the Yankees nor trade Machado to a team that will just flip him to the Yankees. But since Machado doesn’t seem keen on returning and there’s been so many signs pointing to Machado heading to New York, perhaps Machado would simply ask Santa to pick him up on his roof and give him a ride to the Bronx.
Kyle Schwarber-The DH
Kyle Schwarber is a great baseball player if you ignore the fielding and running aspect of the game. Schwarber was originally a catcher, but didn’t really pan out at that position for the Cubs. Since his bat is so great, they stuck him in the outfield so he could get some at-bats. Schwarber in the outfield, from a defensive standpoint, however, is not ideal. Schwarber is too slow for the position and creates a big gap out there for the Cubs. I’m sure Schwarber doesn’t prefer being out there, either. He’d probably much rather focus on hitting, which means he’ll be wishing for the DH to come to the Cubs for Christmas.
The Entire League-For the Yankees to Just Stop
The Yankees have always been known as a team that “buys their championships” meaning they just go and buy the best players on the market and build their teams that way. This has led to some sticky situations in recent years when it comes to aging players and shitty, cumbersome contracts. Over the past two seasons, however, the Yankees have evolved. They learned to build from the inside with prospects. With guys like Aaron Judge, Luis Severino, Gary Sánchez, and Greg Bird as the future foundation for the team, the Yankees were looking scary, especially coming off an ALCS run this past postseason. But then this offseason they go out and get Giancarlo Stanton (Thanks Jeets) for a bag of peanuts? Then they shed large contracts by trading Chase Headley and resign CC for only $10 mil? The Yankees are positioning themselves for a terrifying run for next season and beyond. The AL East is currently on DEFCON 1 and along with the rest of the MLB, they’ll be asking Santa for the Yankees to just stop stockpiling like it’s the Cold War.