About a week ago, I sat down in front of the T.V. with my dad to watch the New York Yankees take on the Oakland Athletics. The starting matchup for that game was Masahiro Tanaka for the Yankees, and Sean Manaea for the Oakland Athletics. Prior to the game beginning, I commented on how every time that I saw Sean Manaea pitched, he would get lit up for seemingly 5+ runs every time, so naturally, I called him trash. After doing so, Manaea proceeded to throw seven scoreless innings, allowing only four hits, and leading the Athletics to a 4-1 win against the Yankees in New York. Obviously, I was astounded by the man’s outing, but I immediately wrote it off as a fluke. “The Yankees must’ve had an off day,” I thought. Boy was I wrong.
Fast forward to this morning when I woke up to see that Sean Manaea pitched another solid game, this time against the Blue Jays, going six innings with 7 strikeouts, only giving up 4 hits and 2 runs. In fact, since I called Sean Manaea trash, he has gone 3-0 with a 1.35 ERA. It was also at this moment that I realized something; I am the key to Sean Manaea’s success. Manaea, a career 12-12 starter with an ERA sitting at 3.84 and a WHIP of 1.15, has been nothing special since he arrived to the big leagues. Prior to the last three games, Manaea was sitting on an ERA of 5.24, but since I called him trash, he has lowered his ERA to a 3.81. His strikeouts per start have also been consistently higher, never being below 7, showing that he is pitching more effectively, and hitting his spots more accurately in order to get those punch outs. That can be no coincidence. There is a direct correlation between my comment and Manaea’s success. I just wonder how my words could have gone such a long way.
Perhaps Manaea and the Athletics have set up microphones in every household in America in order to fully grasp what the public opinion is of Manaea and upon hearing that some college student from Upstate New York called him trash, Manaea was motivated to pitch better and prove him wrong. And prove him wrong he has. Sadly, however, this seems unlikely, due to the cost alone. Upon a quick search on Amazon, the cheapest microphone I could find was around $7. Clearly this would be the model the Athletics would go with due to Billy Beane’s famous “Moneyball” policy, which is just code for spend as little as possible. Now to make it easy, let’s assume that Billy Bean puts in 3 microphones per household in America. That would mean spending $21 per household, excluding tax. There are roughly 125,820,000 households in America, so you multiply $21 by 125,820,000 and you get a grand total of $2,642,220,000. I’m no financial expert, but I would have to say that the Oakland Athletics don’t have that kind of money lying around. Also with that kind of money, the A’s would be able to pay the Los Angeles Dodger’s entire roster nearly 11 times over, so I doubt they’d put that money into spying on every American household when they could instead just get better talent. But if it wasn’t the work of surveillance, then what was it?
Since I am a firm believer that there is no such thing as a coincidence, there has to be some sort of explanation as to how I was able to influence Mr. Manaea into performing at such an amazing level. Clearly Oakland would not be able to afford the surveillance equipment needed to spy on every household, thus ruling out that theory. And I was not at the stadium that day (I have my dad as my witness) so Manaea wasn’t able to hear my comment first hand, either. So what happened? Well here is my theory: When I called Sean Manaea trash, the front door opened and in walked my mom. The sound waves of me calling Manaea trash must have gotten out the door, floated through the air until it got caught in a gust of wind, forcing my comment all the way to Yankee Stadium, where it was able to bounce off of countless fans before it was flung onto the field and picked up by Sean Manaea, who was standing on the mound, awaiting to make his first pitch. Of course at this point, due to the distance they traveled, my words were merely a murmur, but they were still loud enough for Manaea to hear them and become enraged, motivating him to give it his all to prove whoever would dare say such a thing about him. I feel as though this is the only explanation and it can be proved oh so easily with science. I could go into more detail about it, but I wouldn’t want to bore anyone with the details. If you wish to understand it yourself, simply do a quick google search. It’s all pretty basic.
So there you have it. I am the reason Sean Manaea has been pitching so well as of late. It’s all me baby. You’re welcome Oakland. You got yourself an ace. May you ride him all the way to second place. I know it sounds great, and believe me it really isn’t. Still puts you a mere 15 games away from being in first. But at least you can tell your kids your team finished second to the 2017 World Series champion Houston Astros. So you’re welcome.