Eating Etiquette

I still find it hard to believe that some people still have no idea how to properly eat their meals.  It’s something that humans have done since the dawn of their existence, yet not all of us have seemed to figure it out.  How hard is it for proper eating etiquette to evolve with human existence?  I’m no scientist, so I do not even know if that is possible, but is it too much to ask?  At least have your parents teach you not to eat with your mouth open or inhale your food like a fucking shopvac.  How hard is it to slowly put the food in your mouth, close your mouth around it, and then chew with your mouth closed?  It’s not like I am asking people to build a god damn nuclear reactor, it’s simply keeping your lips closed and chewing.  Honestly it’s like I am surrounded by a bunch of savages who learned to eat by watching a pack of wolves.  The worst is when someone has headphones in so they cannot even hear themselves eating and so they think they’re being quiet, when in reality they’re sounding like someone dropped a spoon down into the garbage disposal.  My god is that the worst.  Makes me want to rip their larynx out and strangle them with it.  Now despite my frustration with this matter, I have (begrudgingly) accepted that some people are simply not capable of doing this simply function.  That’s alright.  Some people simply are incapable of doing certain daily activities.  I, myself cannot wink.  Just the way it goes, I suppose.  But these people at least need to pick their spots better.  Don’t decide to eat a crunchy loud-mouth salad in the middle of a class.  Do you really need to eat that bad, my friend?  Or, you know, pick a meal that doesn’t sound like twigs getting stuck in a bloody lawnmower.  This might actually infuriate me the most because these people are just being downright inconsiderate.  You see all these students trying to focus, including myself, and you choose to eat a fucking salad in the middle of the class.  Hard to hear a professor discuss the role of women in 19th century Japan when your godforsaken lawnmower is shitting itself.  Either pick your spots better or learn to eat like a civilized citizen.  Not too much to ask.  Lastly, I wrote this over the course of twenty minutes, and the man next to me has still yet to finish his salad.  Inconceivable.  Utterly Inconceivable.

Sincerely,

A Man Who Suffers From Misophonia

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