According to textbooks and every other American we meet, there are 50 states in the United States of America. We know them, we love them, but do they all exist? I am here today to get to the bottom of exactly this question. Ever since we were born into this beer drinking, gun-toting mosh pit of a nation, we have been raised and molded with one central idea; that there are 50 states in this great nation. Not 49, not 51, but exactly 50. Now, what first opened my eyes to this intricate conspiracy is the fact that there are exactly 50. Now what in the hell are the odds of that? How is it possible that the number of states in this union landed exactly on 50? That seems like God’s work, does it not? So with this question in mind, I hit the library to research and study this anomaly, and it is there that I came across something truly astounding. The notorious state of North Dakota does not exist! Now I know this may come as a shock to you all, so I will give you a moment to catch your breath. Ready? Excellent. North Dakota does not exist as a state. It is simply a government ploy developed late in the 19th century as a front for a side project the government has been working on up until this very day! Where this so-called “North Dakota” lies is actually an interdimensional portal that transports those who cross its threshold to another dimension, never to return! They’ve been using all that travel to the false state as test subjects to see what happens when a human enters an interdimensional portal. The government is using our people as lab rats and no one has even batted an eye at this atrocity. For those who dispute my claim by saying that they “live” there or have “family” there, let me just tell you this; you either are just a figment of all of our imaginations or your family members are. North Dakota does not exist and neither do you. And for those of you who do not believe me, I will be traveling to this so-called “North Dakota” to prove to you all that it is nothing but an elaborate ruse. Heck, I may even enter that portal and see where it leads, or even perhaps bring back one of them government test subjects and have them tell you all about this.
When the conversation as to which children’s cartoon is superior than the rest comes up, the same few titles get thrown around; Spongebob, Rugrats, Adventure time, etc. There is one title, however, that gets vastly overlooked and that program was a little cartoon from the network that specializes in the practice, Camp Lazlo. Camp Lazlo was a cartoon based upon a monkey that goes away to be a bean scout, where he meets his partners in crime, Raj and Clam, who were an elephant and an albino rhino, respectively. This show featured everything you could possibly need in a show. Camp Lazlo had talking animals, classic comedic anecdotes, and the occasional feel when need be. These three key factors, however, were not what made me come to the conclusion that Camp Lazlo is not only the best cartoon we have seen, but the best show overall. The factor that puts Camp Lazlo miles ahead of the pack is its ability to demonstrate how the world should interact with one another, especially when it comes to those that come from a different ethnicity than your own. Camp Lazlo is the model for the perfect world. Now you may be asking yourself “Zach, is this really what you think about in your free time?” and to that I say; yes. Camp Lazlo features animals from all different backgrounds and all different species, minus the twin dung beetles Chip and Skip. Camp Lazlo featured a monkey, rhino, elephant, platypus, raccoon, you name it, and they were all led by a grumpy moose. Now that is what I call progressive art. All of these different animals got along in peace and harmony, free from any xenophobia or racism. Yes, they may get into a few quarrels here and there, but not a single one of them was race related. That is quite impressive with so many different cultures clashing like they were at that camp. If the people of the world could just look to this show to see how they should treat other human beings, then the world would be a more peaceful place than it is today. If we let Camp Lazlo lead the way, there would be no more wars, no more terrorism, no more hatred. The people of the world would finally be able to live free and be filled with only love. For this reason, combined with the talking animals and comedic effects, is why Camp Lazlo is the greatest show that has graced this earth.
Indoor Stadiums just might be the worst thing that has happened to the game of baseball. Currently, there is only one team in the major league that plays in a full-fledged dome, but other stadiums have retractable roofs, making them a sort of hybrid or half-breed, if you may. That one despicable organization that plays in a dome you may ask? None other than the Tampa Bay Rays. You may be asking yourself “Zach, why so much animosity towards such an innocent structure? What have they ever done to you?” and what I’ll say to that is it is not about me, it is about the integrity of the game of baseball. Baseball is the sport of the summer and is meant to be played outside, there should be none of this generated perfect environment bullshit. “But Zach, due to the city of Tampa’s climate of having consistent hot and humid weather, playing baseball would be nearly unbearable in the outdoors.” Oh yeah? Well then they should not have placed a team that could not handle some measly little heat. You know what they say; if you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen and go to Montreal because they deserve an MLB franchise more than your pathetic city. Sadly, however this trend is a popular one over in the NPB in Japan. Multiple stadiums in Japan are domes, a decision that is just too much for this little heart. I hope one day that they all come to their senses and realize that their stadiums looks horrid compared to the beautiful masterpieces of their outdoor counterparts. But I’ll cut them some slack for now. That league is still developing and I am confident that they will turn the corner. As for The “Tampa Bay No-Rays Because They Decided To Build An Indoor Stadium Making Their Name Quite Ironic,” there is no excuse. You were given the chance to make a wonderful expansion team in the state of Florida and you mucked it up. Players hit a pop up and it literally gets stuck on the catwalks. Yes it’s comedic at times, but wildly unprofessional nonetheless. The only cool thing about the stadium is the fact that you have a tank filled with live rays that I can touch. I like that. That’s cool. But alas, I finish with this. Perhaps if you were to build a stadium that was outside, maybe you would have more Tampa Bay Rays fans instead of having your ballpark being a second home to Yankees fans. Thank you, and goodnight.