The dance of the sugarplums puts my mind at ease
As I find myself in a colorful dream
Yet all too quickly the dream fades away
Much like water down a drain
My eyes drift open, caught in a daze
On the eve of one of my favorite days
Christmas Eve! And here I am awake
I’m trying to rest up for Jesus’ birthday for Christ’s sake!
I roll over to drift back to sleep
When a smell arose so wondrous it made me weep
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire!
My nose practically singing like an all-boys choir
I float out of bed to follow the scent
And down the stairs is exactly where I went
My feet touch the ground and oh! What a sight!
Screaming! Shouting! With all my might
For there he was, Ol’ Saint Nick,
Holding a big ol’ box of matchsticks!
And if you think that alone is a sight to be seen,
He also had a can full of gasoline!
The red faced man of the holidays
Had lit my Christmas tree up in a fiery blaze!
The smell of chestnuts was simply a ruse!
All to lure me down here, oh was he ever amused!
He smirked and flicked one more match onto the tree
All whilst turning and striding with pride towards the chimney
I sprint with rage towards the cynical Santa
God, he was so plump, looking like a panda
Just as I was beginning to pounce
I was met by a fatal jounce
I fall to the ground in a heap
Christ I practically went right to sleep
That big fellow sure packed a punch
Soaked that one like a sponge
He laughed and kicked me while I was down
Then spit a bit onto my evening gown
Then like that ol’ ditty goes
“Up the chimney he rose”
After tonight’s dastardly events
I vow to get my revenge