With the AL and NL Wildcard games over, the rest of the playoffs are now a little more solid and straightforward. The AL and NL divisional series are upon us and if your team, like mine, is not in the playoffs, it can be tough to find a team to root for. So for those struggling to find a reason to root for someone, I’m here to help. With my flawless, absolutely, completely unbiased explanations of who you should root for and why, you’ll be certain to find that special bandwagon. You’ll find the one that fits you right and then ride that baby straight to the World Series! So let’s get started.
Why should you root for the Boston Red Sox?
Oh, so I see you like seeing the same teams win the world series year in and year out? You must also really like the Giants and Cardinals too, eh? I bet you also hate the Yankees because all they do is “win.” Well, then the Red Sox are a perfect team for you! They’ve only won it three times since 2004, and it’s been three years since their last one, that’s practically an eternity. The same five teams should win it every year and that’s why Boston must win the World Series! Screw the Cubs, they’ve waited over a hundred years for one, they can wait a hundred more. Cleveland? Pff, they already got a championship this year, they don’t need another. Boston needs them all, or at least share them with the Giants and Cardinals, they need more championships too. Every other year for the Giants just isn’t enough. And don’t get me started as to how good of a role model David Ortiz. So nice, calm and genuine. He would NEVER do anything bad like roids like that damn A-Rod. What’s that? He’s failed multiple drug tests in his career? Doesn’t matter, those tests were probably faulty anyways. A guy like him would never do something like that, he’s too kind. What’s that? He once bashed the phone in the visitor’s dugout after he got out? There was probably just a bee on the door and he knew one of his teammates was allergic. What a guy! I want to root for a team with his as their leader!
Why should you root for the Cleveland Indians?
If Cleveland wins the World Series the same year as the NBA championship, then the city would completely go berserk. Every Cleveland fan, all three of them, will have such a nice get together the police may even have to be called to calm them down. If they win, you won’t even need to hear about Cleveland for at least another sixty years. They’d be overly satisfied and will just go back to their homes and sit in their houses until it’s been another sixty years since they’ve won. Then, they’ll crawl back out, make a 30 for 30 film again, repeat the events of 2016, rinse, and repeat. That sound like a pretty fair deal to me. Plus, who doesn’t love Francisco Lindor’s infectious smile? And why not root for debatably the underdog with the best record I’ve ever seen? I mean come on, who doesn’t love a 1st place underdog? Everyone loves a good oxymoron.
Why should you root for the Texas Rangers?
Do you have an irrational hatred of Canada, and birds that are blue? Do you love crazy left hooks and guns? Then the Texas Rangers are the team for you! Most fans are rooting more for an all-out brawl with Toronto, rather than a win. If you agree with this belief then surely you must root for the Rangers. Actually, I think this may go without saying that most Americans will be rooting for a fight to break out between the Rangers and Blue Jays, so I guess in a way, we’re all rooting for the Rangers in this fine divisional series.
Why should you root for the Toronto Blue Jays?
Do you have an irrational hatred of America, and the Texas Police/Military? Do you love crazy left hooks and hockey? Then the Toronto Blue Jays are the team for you! Most fans are rooting more for an all-out brawl with Texas, rather than a win. If you agree with this belief then surely you must root for the Blue Jays. Actually, I think this may go without saying that most Americans will be rooting for a fight to break out between the Rangers and Blue Jays, so I guess in a way, we’re all rooting for the Blue Jays in this fine divisional series.
Why should you root for the Chicago Cubs?
Are you tired of the same teams winning year in and year out, while your team is left in the dust? You must either be a Rays or a Twins fan, meaning hopping on the Cubs bandwagon is right for you! They’re like your team, only good! If you’re also tired of hearing Cubs fans say “Oh, we never win.” “Oh, it’s been over a hundred years.” “Oh, my grandma was born and died before they ever won again,” Then rooting for the Cubs is the right move for you as well! If they win, you won’t have to suffer through those dreaded conversations about the woes of being a Cubs fan. We may end up with having to suffer through a few years of bragging Cubs fans, but that’s all worth it for an end to the constant complaining. And if none of this satisfies you either, then you can at least root for those beautiful eyes that Kris Bryant possesses. Man, I could get lost in those babies for hours….
Why should you root for the Los Angeles Dodgers?
Do you love being the largest market, living in warm weather, and still being a disappointment? Do you love having the best pitcher in baseball, but the inability to bring him to the World Series? Or the joy of constantly losing to a bunch of conspiracy theorists? *Cough* Giants *Cough* Then the Dodgers bandwagon is the perfect place for you. So much history, yet so much disappointment as of late. Such a wonderful, beautiful combination. I know I sure would want to be a part of that. Plus they have had everyone’s dream grandpa as their announcer for the past 67 years. They’ve got it all, they are truly blessed. They’ll still blow it, though, don’t you worry. I mean come on, their ceiling is losing to the Cubs in the championship series, so if you are fond of low expectations, then come join the Dodgers!
Why should you root for the San Francisco Giants?
Do you enjoy conspiracy theories and the illuminati? Do you require your TV to be set at an even number volume? Then the San Francisco Giants are the team for you! This team lives and breathes conspiracy theories! How else could you explain them winning the World Series the past three even years in 2014, 2012, and 2010? And then this year they proved this wild, even number theory by pulling a playoff appearance out of their ass. They completely fell off the face of the Earth, but they then used their voodoo powers on the Cardinals and Giants, causing them to self-destruct just at the right time, paving the way for themselves to just stride right into the playoffs. If this just doesn’t warm your heart and make you wonder which Shaman they went to for this unworldly feat, then I guess this just isn’t your team. But if this is exactly what you were thinking, then welcome to the San Francisco bandwagon, next stop, another even year championship. I honestly don’t even know why any of the other teams are bothering this year, when the prophecies clearly state that the Giants are going to win. Pfff, suckers…wasting their time.
Why should you root for the Washington Nationals?
Do you love our nation’s capital? With all those cute little monuments, especially the one that looks nothing like George Washington, but is supposedly the “Washington” Monument? What about constantly knowing in the back of you mind that your star player is going to leave your team for the New York Yankees and get the largest contract ever? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then the Washington Nationals are right for you! A team so good, yet so forgetful that I even forgot to mention them in this article! How great is that? You can clearly tell who I WON’T be rooting for, am I right?? The Nationals got all that it takes to make it to the World Series; power, pitching, speed, defense and so much more! They even got a a garden gnome/caveman/Jesus in the outfield. If that doesn’t reel you in then what will?
Hope this helped clear up any confusion you may have had. May the best team win!